Excuse me while I get really deep

So last weekend, my adventurous mother and I got some dirt to sift through for gold/cool stuff. So we're driving home in my Jeep after we have jumped the curb to back on the road. We park the car and out jumps a little baby grasshopper and it lands in my lap. I have a completely irrational, almost phobic fear of grasshoppers. 

"Acridophobia" is an abnormal fear of grasshoppers and locusts.

Ha! I even have a name for it

So anyways, I do an epic Jess freakout and literally fall out of my Jeep straight onto my knees. I was really hurt, but understood what an awesome slapstick comedy show I had put on for my mother (who was laughing hysterically by the way) So my knees felt like they had been struck by lightening, and continued to for about a week.

It's in a touchy spot though. I cant bend my knee, or hit it on anything or else it's lightening and blood and gives me a POW to the brain. I check it out in the shower and sure enough, albeit tender and still not fully healed, it's getting there.

I will go ahead and walk the talk for mental health. I was diagnosed with PTSD which about gave me a whole new case of it. I dated a dude with PTSD from being in freaking IRAQ during a WAR. Ok, -that- warrants PTSD. The best thing that could happen to anybody, the thing so many couples cant do, fulfilling the epic genetic pining to spawn, my friends, does not warrant PTSD.

But then I cut myself a break. Lets look at the past 2 years (sit here at my pity party)

1. Stroke/migraine thing that no one has told me what it really was and subsequent doctors visits and medications, including 2x daily shots. Also cue crippling fear my body was going to defend itself against this little creature throwing off it's clotting factors and other things like...

2. My gallbladder going bad at 25 weeks and going undiagnosed until 12 weeks postpartum. Eff you too, gallbladder. That's one painful problem to have.

3. Being told by millions of resources that breastfeeding is the best thing you can do for your baby, even above loving them. Not telling you whom, but somebody in this room has a major issues with her breasts being touched, much less nursed upon, because they are so damn sensitive.

No my hooters aren't very happy to see you or sunlight 

5. This one is weird. Being called at 38 weeks pregnant and being asked by some receptionist to schedule when my IUD would be placed when I had discussed no such thing with my doctor. And also, excuse my feminism here, but I was already having issues with a man taking away my fertility and me needing to work on his time table to get it back. I got the dang thing and it tried to escape my uterus. I thought that was pretty ambitious for how enormous my kid was, but more power to that inch long bastard. It's gone now, and I cannot believe the difference.

6. Non-essential organs? Who need those? Buh-bye appendix.

Hey, you don't need this either! 

So basically, Im not really denying the whole trauma thing anymore. It's been kind of a shitstorm. 

It's in a tender spot. Albeit tender and still not fully healed, it's getting there.

I'm finally getting to point where I'm allowing myself to say, "having a kid about killed me and I haven't enjoyed every second of it." It it took about two seconds to abolish my knees caps, and 2 weeks to get them to bend again, who knows how long this will take. 

My first thought was, you dont have time for that! You have a child to raise!

Oh really?

I even wrote it down in his baby book as one of the things I hope to teach him

"To be forgiving and loving towards yourself, so you can be so to others"

Walk the talk, Mama.

Troubles

My little super man is so little. Everything is so new to him. When I try to fathom what it must be like to suddenly gain awareness of one's self, emotions, and negative feelings, I just dont know how he does it.

I get really frustrated with him sometimes. He wants behind the computer. He wants in the trash. He wants my pee-splattered, MRSA infected work shoes. He comes flying into the kitchen when he hears the fridge open. He finds the Q-tips under the counter. He wants the mouse. He wants my Pepsi. 

Getting my point here?

I then think about how freaking appalling it must be to him to be told "no no" or get something taken away. "What do you mean NO?" I often hear in his little protests. "I found that shiny gum wrapper and it's the coolest thing ever and WhyTF is Dad taking it away?"

He bumps his head on the couch. That doesnt hurt. He falls over on the carpet. That doesnt hurt. So why on earth would he be cautious around our tables? Why is that piece of avacado on the floor a bad thing? 

(Just a little crumb-y, lady, geez) 

I never realized how hard it would be to see your little baby get bumps (the bruises and the hurt feelings). 

It's hard to balance his spirit with the realities of the world. Yeah. Crawling is awesome, but sometimes the ground is scattered with little painful rocks and sometimes it's cold.

Sometimes we want things that we cant have and to be honest, sometimes I would like to react like Jack does. Arent we all wanting what we cant have?

I love to let him be little. I like his temper and his spirit. And yes, I will in a few years too.

And he is learning some of life's basic shitty-ness.

and I while I might not always be patient, I will always be understanding because

he is Jack. And he is mine.
and he is imperfect like me.

Magic Mommy Land

This is my Magic Mommy Land. It has lots of cool stuff

This Grandma lives in my house. She looks at my Pinterest and does all the cool stuff Ive pinned. She even makes cookies... with cornstarch.

 Any time anybody hashtags a picture of their kid on facebook, it pulls up this and makes me laugh

This video phone is in my kitchen. And Dr. Noodle calls around 4 every day to discuss my concerns.

I got this for Christmas 

This is my friend Ned. Ned made these headphones for me.

Whenever someone starts talking about their f@#$ing organic onesies, genital mutilation, 

or how their child has never had sugar or watched TV, these headphones start playing

Queen: Greatest Hits.

I give my kid this all the time

typos still happen in Magic Mommy Land

 This little cutie comes and lulls us to sleep every night at a respectable hour. 

And finally, my favorite part about Magic Mommy Land...

Whenever me, Jeff and Jack are in this fort, time stands still and no body else exists. Jack and I cuddle while Dad and all Jack's stuffed animals put on a circus for us. 

You might feel like me

When your kid licks your thumb the entire time you text and you don't even think twice

When you're glad you've been doing baby-led weaning because where the hell did he get that piece of chicken?

When your anti-anxiety meds make you laugh hysterically at the doctor's machine measuring your kid's oxygen levels because it's flashing "No fingers!"

When you look over at your kid who's gnawing on a squishy Wii remote in his sleep because he is a rabid chipmunk.

When you only notice that dried snot all over his face when you run into someone you know

When you park all the way across the parking lot to park next to a cart corral

When you are on your 4th keyboard

When you have $300 worth of toys scattered around your entire house and he wants your work badge

When the locked seat belt's clicking as you release your car seat wakes up your kid after you just spent $3 in gas and an hour in the car

When your birth control isn't supposed to make you gain weight and you are up 15 pounds since you got it.

When you beg people with facial piercings to be really... really... watchful when they hold him.

When your husband wants to put lime green socks on him when he is wearing red and black

When you finally get that booger on a tissue and it falls into his mouth and you both make the same face

When you ask your husband why your son's balls keep disappearing

When your kid thinks Scrat from Ice Age is as funny as you think he do.

When your kid likes Ellie Goulding.

When your kid has an impossible cowlick on top of his head.

When people say that he has your cheeks... when his cheeks look like they have his winter stockpile stuffed in there.

When your kid intently stares at you naked.

When you question if you should get dressed or let them be educated.

When your 2 year premature potty training pin tells you to let them watch you poop.

When you cant watch scary movies because you don't know what he understands.

When you hear your husband humming the Pajanimals theme.

Breastfeeding or not.

When I was pregnant, I was fairly certain I would be breastfeeding. I researched pumps and got the best one I could get for what Id pay for it. I bought nursing tops and other helpful stuff I would definitely be needing.

I was so determined to get through whatever pain I had. I knew it was going to be rough because my boobs have some differences. I was a week over-due, so I had been pumping to get labor going. I found it to be uncomfortable, but definitely do-able. I was pretty empowered that I knew at least I could pump for a good while. I knew it would be hard to do it forever, but I would be able to do this... right???

Labor was long. Rough. Augmented. Not my body doing it. Not my body preparing for Jack naturally.

Then, here comes this beautiful little thing. He was warm. He was soft. I snuggled him close to me. He was so sweet and clean and fat! Then they warn me. Im a redhead with no pigment in my skin. This was gonna hurt. Jack was also hungry. hAngry. He latched and I screamed. Im pretty sure I said "I cant!" several times.

It hurt like holy effing hell. I tried later with a LC. Nope. She shook her head and hugged me as I sobbed. I mean, literally, sobbed. Like, ugly cried for days. She told me she had never seen someone as sensitive as I was. She basically told me to give up, which is awful. Shame on her.

I have a friend who had a really rough time until her milk came in. Then it was fine. So I had hope still (barely). I pumped. He latched. I pumped. Nothing. Not a freaking drop. Not 1 single drop. I have googled this. I didnt understand how I couldnt get anything out of me. I still dont, but figure the ducts were clogged because of the colostrum not moving. This had still worked for others. Why not me?

So my Jack is on formula. This has been awesome. I had surgery right after he was born. Im fairly convinced this would have been terrible for our breastfeeding, if not it's end. So, I mean, I feel it was doomed anyways.

I still see alot of people out there who are "lactivists." They dont bother me. Im really glad that they are spreading the word about how awesome breastmilk is. I know. I wanted it for my baby. I even get kind of judgey when people arent having problems but quit anyways. I get it.

But then I see quotes like, "Bottles feed a baby's stomach, but breastfeeding feeds his soul" or something to that effect.

And people calling all mothers who don't breastfeed selfish and assuming it's so you dont have to be attached to your baby all day and night.

Seeing a "quiz" about what type of mother you are- all the questions about how soon you started formula, and anything before 6 weeks falling in line with the "ghetto mama," "Parent-centric" Parent.

I shake my head so hard at that. I love my kid and I am all about his health, his happiness, and his well-being. It's not because I didnt want it. It's not because I wanted to sleep. Can a lactivist please inform my breasts that they were supposed to give up all that wonderful milk they made for my baby?...

As far as it being much better for the baby- I had Jack the "right, natural way." Im really thankful that my body was able to do that, despite many things working against it. I do not ask people in the store what way their baby came out. Natural delivery is much better for mom and baby. Do I ask? Do I question their decision? The decision was made at some point. Do I ask them if they knew the benefits of a natural delivery? No. Because their body was obviously not cooperating with their desires. I dont feel the need to make them feel like they failed their baby by "caving." It's really none of my business. I see their baby is happy and thriving. I see mom is happy.

Then I look at my baby. I giggle when he puts his forehead to mine and so does he. He fell asleep today while I made tickle bugs run up and down his back and slept for an hour on my arm. He gets so excited when he sees me come home that he doesnt even know what to do. I know his cries, his sounds, his faces.

My soul is attached to Jack's and his is attached to me. I worked hard for that, and my breasts have nothing to do with it. My heart does.

Having a newborn definitely does change things

6:30 AM

Pre-baby: The time Jeff got off work, rarely seen by me.

Post-baby- That magical finish line of my night that I know without a doubt I can sleep til... 9.

SLEEP

Pre-baby: Something that just occurs around 12am, usually after a bit of relaxing, texting, or playing online; sleep lasts well into the morning.

Post-baby: 2 definitions: 1. Jack's time to give Mommy funny smiles or do his sweet baby singing

2. A hot commodity that is needed less and less, yet some how more and more as Mommy goes.

POOP

Pre-baby: A naturally occurring event, rarely thought of or spoken about

Post-baby- A subject brought up daily and mildly celebrated when it comes around

A SHOWER

Pre-baby: A time where I stand naked under water where I can take my time, shave, leave the conditioner in my hair, listen to music, etc

Post-baby: A time (only after Jack is fed, burped, and changed) where I stand naked under water, with the shower curtain half open so Jack can see me, while I wave to him with a big goofy smile on my face, yelling "Hi JackJack! Mommy's almost done!" (as he stares blankly at me)

At first I was all like... childless

But then I was all like... "Ill be right there!"

DINNER

Pre-baby: A highlight of our day, cooked with love, and usually pretty good.

Post-baby: 2 definitions: 1. A usually burnt meal usually served whenever the hell it gets on the table 2. A meal Mommy usually finishes eating in about 10 minutes.

ALCOHOL

Pre-baby: A little thing that I liked to enjoy on occasion, and really enjoyed it when I did.

Post-baby: A Mommy-treat I will most likely not enjoy until at least 2022 without some apprehension. 

DOWN TIME

Pre-baby: An enjoyable time spent recreating or relaxing

Post-baby: see NAP-TIME: An enjoyable time spent recreating or relaxing... that I know I should be using for sleep or housework.

Here Honey--Love you!

SEX

Pre-baby: A thing that we enjoyed as much as the next couple

Post-baby: A thing rarely thought of, much less attempted, much less succeeded

MONSTER

Pre-baby: An imaginary being that is scary

Post-baby: An endearment term when our kid growls or devours his food; Also, Lizzie

BABIES CRYING

Pre-baby: An annoying occurance happening to other people, usually in the store, usually provoking thoughts like, "Someone get that kid a boob or a bottle!"

Post-baby: A heart-breaking noise that makes me want to fix whatever is wrong, as fast as possible, and gives me great Mommy-pride when I make it better.

INTUITION

Pre-baby: A good or bad feeling you get on occasion about certain people, places, or events. 

Post-baby: Something you know your kid has when his record for waking up when you lay down is about 8/10. Something you know you have when you start figuring out you know how to be a parent.

In my home... On my home

THE COUCH

Pre-baby: A place to socialize, eat, or watch TV

Post-baby: The comfiest place, lowest to his RockNPlay, nearest the kitchen, and therefore, my new home.

SMILES

Pre-baby: A pretty automatic response to something funny or sweet

Post-baby: On my sons face... I cant even describe the feeling, but its shiny, and somehow instantly makes me cry. Also, gives me some hope that hes happy and Im doing ok.

The Whole Big Birth Story

6/2 D-Day- Nada.

 6/6 Dr. Lunt stripped my membranes and brought on some early labor signs but nothing insane.

 6/7 I was having painful contractions but only every 6-10 minutes. Sometimes I would even go longer than 20 minutes without one. So I called Lunt and wanted to know if it was frequency we were wanting or pain level. He sent me in to get checked which annoyed me because I knew I was just going to be sent home. The nurse checking me really did get my labor moving. That, however, just made me have more painful contractions and not going anywhere.

 6/9 Induction Day! We got the call to come in at 6:30 am. We were thrilled! I was already dialated to a 2 and 90%. They instantly started my IV and got the pitocin going. It made it more painful for sure, but I was handling it ok, but my back was so awful. Every contraction was just insane pressure in my back. Jeff was so amazing about helping me through the pain. He was so calm and reassuring.

 The Epidural- My goal originally was to go as long as possible to avoid pit, but I was already on the pit so I asked Lunt if we had a goal to get to and he said go ahead and get it whenever since I was already going. I caved at 3 (which took an hour and half of contractions to get there). I had been in pain since the 6th and I was done. About the time I was going on and on about how amazing the epi was, I started to feel a little nauseous. Everyone showed up about the time that I got it (around 10:30). I got very sick and the nurse checked my blood pressure. 90/55. She had warned me about it lowering my BP, but we had no idea it would tank it. I got down into the 80s several times and started feeling awful. Then came the itching. Then came the shaking. The doctor had to give me alot of medicine to get my BP up. It was getting a little crazy.

 The Long Night- I cannot describe how weird it was to feel nothing but have your body working so insanely hard. I was having contraction after contraction but was dialating very slowly. I was still sick and that whole night is kind of a blur. I was unbelievably sore from shaking so much. I was going out of my mind from the itchiness. I broke down a little and cried. I told the nurse that I didnt think I was going to be able to push. She agreed and told me to sleep as much as I can. 2x I had everybody go out for a bit so I could rest.

 A Little Scare- The nurse ran in and I looked at Jack's heart monitor. It was 77! Usually in the 120-150s). I was so tired it did even register. They threw some internal monitors on his little head. We were just laying on the cord. By the time I delivered we had 2 separate internal monitors for my contractions and the baby. Apparently we were being tricky.

Time To Push- Around 5am, they woke me up to push. I was shaking so bad- half from nerves, half from the epi. They tried to explain how to do it, but I was totally numb. So I kind of guessed and apparently guessed right. I was pushing well. I tore as soon as he descended just a little bit, so that terrified me, but I didnt have much more of an issue after that.

Apparently I kept saying "Im tired!" It didnt hurt, but my lord it was hard to push. Jeff was amazing! He was cheering me on. He seemed so amazed (and a little grossed out) by what was going on. Mid push, 2 of my assistants literally ran out of the room. I look at the nurse and ask "Are they coming back?" She said she didnt know but lets keep going. So it was just her and Jeff and my mom holding my shoulders up. Diane was great too.

So after just an hour and 15 minutes, I was crowning. The aid (who did eventually come back) asked me if I wanted to feel his head. I was like "Nah-" but she instisted and Im glad she did. It was cool. I also got to hear he had dark hair before he was born. Again, a little creepy, but kind of cool too.

 Dr. Lunt came in, and 2 pushes later, we had a baby! I could tell something wasnt quite right because Dr. Lunt kept him upside down and was doing something I couldnt see. He said "I think we had a bowel movement." It seemed like he did it in the descent so none of it was in his lungs- thank god. Apparently I had a panicked look on my face because the nurse told me he was still attached, so he was fine. He finally turned him the right way and lifted him up.

 The first thing I thought was "Oh my gosh he looks just like Jeff!" They laid him on my tummy and Jeff cut the cord. They had to take him because of the bm and make sure he was all good. I got some stitches and asked about how everything looked. I kept asking if Jack should be crying more. Apparently he was doing well, just quiet. He was so beautiful.

 Breastfeeding: I knew things were going to be a difficult since I have some boob issues already. Then, the nurse helping me with breastfeeding asked me if I was a natural red-head. She sighed and said, "Im going to warn you that because your skin has so little pigmentation, this is going to be painful." I wasnt quite ready and my nerves were still kind of shot and I still wasnt feeling well at all. It hurt so bad! Every time he latched on it was just terrible, terrible pain. I hadnt eaten in 24 hours and was starving. I could tell he was terribly hungry too. They tried a few times, and I literally broke out into a sob. I wanted to breastfeed so bad, but at that point, I knew I wouldnt be able to. I didnt give up, but I had a really bad feeling I wasnt going to be able to do it.

 I understood how hungry and miserable he must feel, and I couldnt help him. I was so heartbroken. It was so important to me, but it just wasnt working. They called a lactation consultant. It didnt help that I was so emotional about the whole thing. I pretty much cried the whole time. She gave me a hug, a pump, and said "good luck." I was waiting for my milk to come in and figured it would be alot easier once it did. It came in, and I pumped and pumped and pumped and nothing. Not a freaking drop.

I was so sick for the first 20-30 minutes after he was born. The breastfeeding was a disaster and I was just wanting to get my baby and go to the recovery room so I could bond with him. I felt like I was loosing precious moments to hold him because I was such a mess. Thank god they pulled my epi. I felt instantly better.

At the end of the day, I got to wrap him up in my gown and do skin-to-skin. I loved every second. He was so precious and loved him so much. It was awesome to see Jeff with him. He is such a good daddy.