When I was pregnant, I was fairly certain I would be breastfeeding. I researched pumps and got the best one I could get for what Id pay for it. I bought nursing tops and other helpful stuff I would definitely be needing.
I was so determined to get through whatever pain I had. I knew it was going to be rough because my boobs have some differences. I was a week over-due, so I had been pumping to get labor going. I found it to be uncomfortable, but definitely do-able. I was pretty empowered that I knew at least I could pump for a good while. I knew it would be hard to do it forever, but I would be able to do this... right???
Labor was long. Rough. Augmented. Not my body doing it. Not my body preparing for Jack naturally.
Then, here comes this beautiful little thing. He was warm. He was soft. I snuggled him close to me. He was so sweet and clean and fat! Then they warn me. Im a redhead with no pigment in my skin. This was gonna hurt. Jack was also hungry. hAngry. He latched and I screamed. Im pretty sure I said "I cant!" several times.
It hurt like holy effing hell. I tried later with a LC. Nope. She shook her head and hugged me as I sobbed. I mean, literally, sobbed. Like, ugly cried for days. She told me she had never seen someone as sensitive as I was. She basically told me to give up, which is awful. Shame on her.
I have a friend who had a really rough time until her milk came in. Then it was fine. So I had hope still (barely). I pumped. He latched. I pumped. Nothing. Not a freaking drop. Not 1 single drop. I have googled this. I didnt understand how I couldnt get anything out of me. I still dont, but figure the ducts were clogged because of the colostrum not moving. This had still worked for others. Why not me?
So my Jack is on formula. This has been awesome. I had surgery right after he was born. Im fairly convinced this would have been terrible for our breastfeeding, if not it's end. So, I mean, I feel it was doomed anyways.
I still see alot of people out there who are "lactivists." They dont bother me. Im really glad that they are spreading the word about how awesome breastmilk is. I know. I wanted it for my baby. I even get kind of judgey when people arent having problems but quit anyways. I get it.
But then I see quotes like, "Bottles feed a baby's stomach, but breastfeeding feeds his soul" or something to that effect.
And people calling all mothers who don't breastfeed selfish and assuming it's so you dont have to be attached to your baby all day and night.
Seeing a "quiz" about what type of mother you are- all the questions about how soon you started formula, and anything before 6 weeks falling in line with the "ghetto mama," "Parent-centric" Parent.
I shake my head so hard at that. I love my kid and I am all about his health, his happiness, and his well-being. It's not because I didnt want it. It's not because I wanted to sleep. Can a lactivist please inform my breasts that they were supposed to give up all that wonderful milk they made for my baby?...
As far as it being much better for the baby- I had Jack the "right, natural way." Im really thankful that my body was able to do that, despite many things working against it. I do not ask people in the store what way their baby came out. Natural delivery is much better for mom and baby. Do I ask? Do I question their decision? The decision was made at some point. Do I ask them if they knew the benefits of a natural delivery? No. Because their body was obviously not cooperating with their desires. I dont feel the need to make them feel like they failed their baby by "caving." It's really none of my business. I see their baby is happy and thriving. I see mom is happy.
Then I look at my baby. I giggle when he puts his forehead to mine and so does he. He fell asleep today while I made tickle bugs run up and down his back and slept for an hour on my arm. He gets so excited when he sees me come home that he doesnt even know what to do. I know his cries, his sounds, his faces.
My soul is attached to Jack's and his is attached to me. I worked hard for that, and my breasts have nothing to do with it. My heart does.
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