So this is a bad month. Well. A good month, but a seriously heartbreaking month. The good news! Jeff got a job and we are moving to St George! We are so thankful! Im just happy our future is secure.

But the bad news. I was so sure we were pregnant this month. I had some some pretty serious early signs but the test came up negative. And I can feel AF coming and its pretty late. We were sure we had it this month. Im wondering if we did and it just didnt take.

Its been 3 months. Which isnt a long time. Thats only 3 cycles and your odds are only 1/4 typically. I just have to be patient. Its just so hard. So we are TRULY not "trying" anymore. Its just so hard when Im so in tune with my stuff its hard to ignore. But I am. I am going to do it. And guess what. Im drinking caffeine again. And not taking the pills. and doing or not doing anything else that I was doing to get pregnant. Maybe it wasnt supposed to happen.

When i see my baby's face I will know that we created the life that was supposed to be. The face that was supposed to be.

Sorry about all the baby stuff its just really heavy on me sometimes and I need to get it off me. This month is for me. not for my kid, gosh. Im already giving it everything Ive got. Im just so lucky. Im so thankful for Jeff who loves me no matter how frikin off the wall I get. I love you Baby.

So recently on my facebook...

I said I had OCD in high school. I haven't been clinically diagnosed, but I dint need to be. I know its what was going on.

Definition

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you have unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to engage in repetitive behaviors (compulsions). With obsessive-compulsive disorder, you may realize that your obsessions aren't reasonable, and you may try to ignore them or stop them. But that only increases your distress and anxiety. Ultimately, you feel driven to perform compulsive acts in an effort to ease your distress.


So I had this one teacher who was really big on reading. I remember one time she asked me if I had read the captions under the picture. Most high schoolers would have been like, yeah! Even if they hadn't. That was not me. So after I got points taken away for not reading and heard her go off on how we are not to skim, haha, my anxiety kicked in.

I need to add here another thing that really hurt me. I was very, very spiritual. I was also being taught that the "voice in my head" was the Holy Spirit. So I'm sinning if i miss a word and "skim", so therefore the Holy spirit is guiding me to re-read things so I wont mess up (and displease God).

Soon after this reading incident I started rereading sentences if I missed a couple words. This turned into a compulsive thing that I was literally sounding out every syllable in my head. OH GOD! Prepositional phrases threw me off like you would not believe. Say I was reading, "In the beginning of the the year, the student went insane." I would re-read that first part like 10 times I kid you not. The OCD voice, which I was under the impression was the Holy Spirit, was telling me to do it. So my OCD brain became God. Oh it was bad. Very very bad.

My mom took me in for glasses because my eyes hurt so bad. I had perfect vision! I was just spending all day reading and my eyes were worn out from going back and back and back. I would get massive headaches. Sometimes I would beg my mom to read to me. I had to get the Bible on tape to read along to it. That would send me into a tail spin. Spiritual OCD person, reading the Bible, their brain (God in my eyes) telling me to re-read it over and over.

Dishes! I would wash a dish, set it in the rack, and "the holy spirit" would tell me there was something dangerous on that plate that I needed to rinse off. So... we'd re-wash it.

Now, I wasn't a religious psycho. I knew there was something wrong, but never considered OCD. I thought OCD was when you cleaned alot or hated things to be out of place. And Lord knows that is not me!

I'm sure this blows some of you away who know me now. I'm alot different now. I have completely grown out of my OCD. Even though I'm not even close to as spiritual as I was, I still believe in God. I believe He's alot more intuition than regular thoughts. I just realize now, hes not some little alien living in my brain with controls.




This RUINED my Junior year of high school. I was sick of being berated by my own head. I just wanted out. I seriously gained like 30 pounds and cried every other night. Thankfully, I loosened up alot, but unfortunately I did overdo it. But I will find my balance. I'm young! I don't tell alot of people this because its so unbelievable now. Its a year out of my childhood that I wish I could forget. I have it under control and will never let it steal another second.

The little engine that could!

Haha! Oh the innuendo... but anyways

So I posted a while back about how we're trying to get pregnant! Way excited. Its been 2 months that have been disappointing at the end, but we're hopeful and having fun trying. I hear all the time that "I get pregnant when my husband looks at me!" <- hate them! After I scoured over some online stuff and talking to family, Ive realized that its not a bad thing, but its actually a really normal thing to take a while. 2 months in nothing compared to years! Not to mention!!! We had our timing off! Holy cow. We were off by like 2 days. So thats delayed our baby too.

So, armed with some goods and some pills, we are on the baby train a little longer.

Dear Baby,

This week Im giving up Pepsi for Sierra Mist- because apparently you dont like caffeine. I know youre worth it!

More sex, drugs and rock n roll for me. Just not quite like how that usually goes together.



Make you soon, Babes. *knock on wood! babe. No babeS

I was totally going to post this in honor of our being married for 1 month, but true to married fashioned, I completely spaced that its actually been 2 months!! Gosh time flies. Well... heres to our 2nd month. All the wives that I love!


Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice. Shes so romantic, but it doesnt induce the gag reflex. Shes incredibly smart, down to earth, and independent... but still able to get swooped off her feet. And... she went for the bad boy (however... that usually doesnt work out in real life... but thats ok Jane Austen)


Is it slightly pretentious to have a wedding every year? Slighly. But hey, kudos to them for having a blast with their marriage. She is a beatiful Mommy and she and Seal seem to have an awesome marriage. I couldnt manage class and fulltime work. I couldnt imagine being married, 3-4 kids, a fashion line, modeling, and your own show. Go Heidi.


Peggy Bundy is definately up there. She is sexy and hilarious. Its super cheap to look fabulous. I love that Peggy and Al are so funny together and make light of the everyday grind of work, parenting, and their relationship. If things suck, you can at least make them funny.



Marge Simpson is by far my favorite wife. She is also very sexy-hot damn she posed for playboy! I love her smoky voice and she is such a good wife and mother without being June Cleaver. Shes freaking adorable. Shes kind of outspoken, but not obnoxious. I love her.

So I have to brag about my favorite husband. He has been so awesome. Tonight was my 9th shift in a row. I have been drained and sick. Bronchitis isnt the sexiest thing to listen to all night. I even moved to the couch one night because I could tell I was waking him up. Hes packed and cleaned every day for our big move. Hes been so awesome lately. Packing might not be sexy to some people... but dang! Taking care of your wife certainly is.

Things I am totally in love with right now!

I am so obsessed with Poppies at the moment. August's flower is a poppy and thats when we got married. Poppy also signifies strength and family. I want a poppy tatoo so bad! I just dont know if I am ready for a tatoo. I kinda want one, but its something youll have forever, so I want to make sure.


When I lived in Florida for a short little while, my roomate Jordan worked at a place called Ruehl, which Ive never seen anywhere else back in the West. She would buy clothes from there and bring them home, and let me tell you. They smelled sooo amazing. The perfume (which they douse on all of their clothes) smelled like freakin heaven. I got on the elevator at worked the other day and someone had been in there that was wearing perfume. It like teleported me back to Florida. I love that smell so much. Have to own... now.


Copper eye makeup. I have this in every shade. I have a reddish copper color, a rosegold copper, browns, golds... I love them soo much. so in love with copper.




So I have always been a creature of the night. I love the color of night and I love the eeriness of it. Natural light has always been too white for me. I am much more of a yellowy, dimmer light (eh hm, moonlight). I dread summer. I dont mind spring and adore fall. As the days are getting shorter, Im realizing that Im getting just a little bit calmer.



Fall is my favorite time of year. I love all the coppers, red, yellows, browns! Like my makeup!! But I also love all the silly halloween stuff! I love the skulls, candy, baking, and getting our costumes. I love buying long sleeves and sleeping with comforters and tossing my flipflops and sunscreen. Its not too cold and not too hot. Its perfect. Its heaven.

Ohh My!

As of next month... we will be ttc! Im so excited to start this little adventure with Jeff. We both want to be parents so bad! We've actually been really loosely trying since August, but our schedules are so hectic! The small windows we've had have not been baby friendly. Waking up at 3, opposing schedules, and sickness dont help matters. And next month our schedules slow down, we're moving to Cedar where we will be inside alot more, and we will be going on vacation! I know Im 21 and its bad freak yourself out (babies dont like stress!) But I am slightly worried about some things like... getting huge!


not knowing what to do with the poor baby

Negative pregnancy tests... Tossing my cookies every morning And TWINS! Oh my gosh! Both of my grandparents are twins, and I think 1 baby is quite enough for me to handle! But I really really want this. I think me and Jeff will make awesome parents(even with red eyes) with beautiful babies(even though they smell like their diaper). My family averages a baby every 6 years or so so that means Ive been with 3.5 babies in my lifetime! But seriously, between Hannah, Emily, Sam, and spending many weeks with my 3 brothers in sisters in Georgia, Im pretty sure I think I have an IDEA of what to expect. A teency one.

Everyone and their mother tells me to wait to have babies when they here Im a newlywed. If I had dreams of becoming a professional, or travelling, or studying abroad, of course Id wait. My dream has always been to be a mom. And I know things will change between me and Jeff, but thats just another thing in a marriage that takes work. And we've already been through alot. Every trial makes us stronger. Ive dreamed about being a mommy since I knew I could be one. I cannot wait to find out that Im pregnant with our baby. Keep yall posted!


and ps this is my all time favorite mommy song. I cried the first time i heard it.

Cedar Breaks!

We have wanted to go to Cedar breaks since last year. It was so beautiful! We were also way excited because we just got our house. It was kinda funny though! Our pinic went bad when we were looking at the house and when I unrolled my "socks" and it was actually just a "sock." So I walked the trails in my flip flops. But we had funny even though we were slightly hungry!

So, as I was driving along rocking out to 89.9 (the new radio station that Tonya introduced to me-imagine a decent radio station in so. utah) I look in the rear view mirror... and what do I see?? Not another car, not a cop, not a psycho killer... no. It was a freaking grey hair. And that wouldnt be a problem, because everyone gets the random grey hairs... but! I found one in my bangs a week ago. My grandma went grey really early, and I have Carter hair, not Marcroft hair. So Im a little freaked out.



So... I was thinking... maybe that would be cool. Not grey, but silver hair. And I would love to be blonde. Always thought that would be the easiest(and sexiest) way to go if I did loose my color. And besides, its my karma. Those old ladies better stop complimenting my hair.




And celebs are eating the silver fox look up! But hopefully that will come around again in 5 years

My first post on my new blog!

I really miss having a blog! Our old one is just kinda... eh. So I made a new one! I feel like we have made such a fresh start. When we first got married, I had a few weeks of adjusting into my new place in life, and I told Jeff that being a wife was like breaking in the jeans that were soon to be my favorite pair. Well... Im glad to see my new jeans are now very comfy.



Our life is about to get very exciting... again! We are moving to Cedar 10/16 and im so excited. And even more, Tonya is getting married! Im so happy for them. And holy cow, I just looked down at the calendar and thats next week! Ahh!