My little man

That's what I almost exclusively call him when I don't call him Jack. And in a weird way- I see him as a man. Its like- of course he is a baby- but he is a little man. I guess its because men are still sort of this conundrum for me. I still cant believe Jeff and I are going to be raising a man up from this little dude jumping around.

I was looking at this picture of Jeff when he was maybe 2. It was Christmas and he opened a little people's plane set. I thought of his mom and how amazing it must be to have this tall, strong man hug her when she has had him since he was an infant. Of course Jeff isnt perfect, but he doesnt struggle with much. It trips me out that he was ever an immature little teenager, or a mad baby who cant get something, or had his feelings hurt as a kid. He just seems so manly to me. It scares me, because I feel like I know so little about raising a man, but thats one of many really awesome things about having Jeff.

I am not ashamed to say I wanted a girl. Thats beyond weird to me to even type that. Now, that I have a boy, it's like waiting to go on a blind date. I have nooo idea what to expect. Thats so exciting to me! Its like meeting another Jeff, and another me, and another part of my family and my genes. In an even trippy-er way, meeting our parents, grandparents and great grandparents over again. All these people in this one little baby.

I cant imagine what itll be like for our parents to see him. "Hey! Theres a copy of my kid, but small and cute again! And dang- theres really my kid- and now she knows so much more about life. Now's she more me than she was before."

These random ramblings brought to you by one of my most favorite songs

Pregnancy nightmares

There are a few things about pregnancy that I didnt expect. Like the constant stains on the belly part of my shirt from cooking. Or that Jack's kicks sometimes hurt. Or how real nesting is...

but another thing I didnt expect is the dreams! I posted about my RuPaul dream earlier- today, funny enough, I had a nightmare about Conservatives.



I dreamt that we were going for a doctor's visit and the hospital was right down the street from our house. Everything was fine when we went in. We left, but I remembered that they didnt check Jack's heart, so we went back. When we got there, there was about 5 women with signs protesting Planned Parenthood and had the gall to say something about me going in to have an abortion.

I snapped back at them that me and 99% of the women coming in were here to get prenatal care (There wasnt even a Planned Parenthood in the building)

So we go in, come back out, and the crowd was enormous. Apparently my "liberal" comments were made well aware to the crowd.

We made it home, no problem- until a man came into our hose and started loading up a bag with our stuff. Jeff made me go in our room and call the cops. He confronted the man and all I could hear him saying was "LIBERAL SCUM! YOU DONT DESERVE ANY OF THIS!" So the 911 lady said she would send someone and I pulled out my mace from my purse.

I walked over to the man who was furiously (mindlessly) loading up on the stupidest stuff from our house we didnt even care about. I told him "Im going to spray you if you dont leave" He didnt leave, and I sprayed him. He was undeterred, but hurt none the less. We went outside and waited and waited and the cops never showed up, but the man appeared, freashly showered.

We went back inside and were relieved to hear foot steps coming up the porch until we realized it was 3 more people trying to break into the "liberals' house". Then I woke up all scared.

For a long while I felt like the extreme right has been blindly doing things without paying attention to anybody else but themselves (maced mobman) but then adding a little cherry on top (like trying to take away any prenatal testing or BC) that just pisses everyone off (aka maced-mob-man deciding to then take a shower in our home after robbing it) but damn! I never expected to have a freaking nightmare about it.

Hey Jack

Its official: our little booger will be Jackson Walter Monteon.

I typed in "Jack" on Pinterest to see if cute stuff popped up for like personalized stuff. Instead I got a bunch of really awesome dudes.



I secretly think Jack White is super hot- but besides that nonsense-



Is there a Jack that isnt awesome?





or adorable?

While we were dating, we talked about the names Jack and Lilly.
While we were married, we talked about the names Desmond and Evangeline. (Zero correlation to Evangeline Lilly. I actually just noticed that when it was typed out.)

Then we went back to Jack. Well, Jackson. Jeff thought of the name, but as soon as I said that I liked it, he said "NO X!"
I actually shot him a dirty look. "Jaxon! No! Give me some credit!"

Walter is for Jeff's late grandfather, Walter Boyman.

We get another JWM! (Jeff's middle name is also Walter)

Getting more real by the second!

Since I dont have the crib set up at all yet, I put all the stuff in the bassinet. I love it! Its hard to see but the blanket has stars in the minky part.



Thank you for the cat in the hat Emmy! Miss you guys very much!

Pregnancy dreams are cracked.

So Ive been watching alot of RuPaul while Im "taking it easy." So its weird enough to dream that a gay man knocked you up... but in my defense, he is super super cute!



But it gets even weirder when your -dream man- prefers to look like this for a day job



It gets even weirder when your pregnant ass ends up in RuPaul dream land... dressing up in your 9 year old sister clothes that are inexplicably too big for your giant pregnant belly housing a gay man's baby! Ju Ju Bee was there too and I was really having a hard time. Raven/David was being very sweet and protective, but we were trying to hide the fact that it was him who got me pregnant because that would affect his street cred. Oh my brain...

Maybe Im having a little bit of a body crisis?

This still doesnt top my dream of having sex with Satan. That was interesting. I never saw his face so I cant tell you what he looked like. But he was very tall dark and handsome!

The big update!

So our first try at the big anatomy scan was Jan 10th. That didnt go so well. He was facing down and wouldnt turn over- little stinker.

So we went in yesterday for round 2. We saw his little face which was fun. We got to see his chin, lips and nose (I think he has mama's lips because- holy cow :) ) We did get some not so great news. My water is low. Apparently they like it to be no less than 10 cm and mine was 9. They worry at 7-8 and freak if its under 5. So they want me to take it easy and drink as much water as I physically can. Its most likely from me not drinking enough water.

Another problem with the ultrasounds is the fact that he lays so low and also the placenta is covering him so they have to look through it to get to his organs so its hard to see. They got a good look at everything but his heart.

So I am now scheduled to go back to MFM (the high risk people with fancier u/s machines) in 2 weeks and get another scan. I had to go to them at 10 weeks to make sure everything was ok.

Im also battling a head cold. Boo!

Im very excited that everything looks great so far. However, I guess I feel guilty about some stuff too. Before I got pregnant, I was very no meds. no dopplers. fewest ultrasounds as possible. Well- I used my doppler all the time. Ive had 5 ultrasounds already (albeit only 2 were longer than 10-15 minutes). And Im on aspirin and heparin. I was so freaked out about everything happening, I lost a little faith in my body.

And now my water is low, and I know its from me not drinking enough. I was doing a couple 16 oz water bottles a day. Well thats about 1/2- 1/3 of what I should. I knew that I wasnt getting enough but I thought since I wasnt thirsty I was ok.

So I guess I just feel kind of bad about not trusting my body and not giving it what it needs. Im not beating myself up for it. Things dont always go as planned and they found out about my water before it got bad.

But all my drama aside, the baby looks great! And for that Im very greatful and happy

Pregnancy is not for wusses.

Watching somebody die

Well it finally happened, after 2 years in the hopsital. It was a code blue and I came onto a scene with about 20 people trying to save a life. I always thought Id be really nervous, but I wasnt. Being one who openly admits to not being very "high speed," I was kinda shocked how calm I was watching several rotations of CPR.

It wasnt as sad as I thought it would be. I know that sounds terrible, but that body was done. That heart was done beating. It absolutely sucked to see the family, but the actual death wasnt as mind-blowing as I thought it would be. I do remember thinking of Jeff and praying that wasnt how either one of us goes.

I never realized how hard a person has to work to do the job of a small, but incredible heart. It was insane. Healthy, full grown men sweating and panting as they tried to keep this soul alive. By no means did I think it was a futile effort, but I couldnt help but consider how easily a person keeps himself alive, and much effort it takes out of a person to try to "run" someone else.

I, sitting there tapping on my belly as I wait there (I was completely useless, but we have to stay in case they need anything blood-wise), I realized that I kind of dont matter much. My thoughts on the whole thing didnt matter. As I got out of the way of the family, I saw what I interpretted as a dread- almost a 'this is it' look on their faces. No one appreciates their family enough- but for a second- I could.

I walked past the room on my way out, and didnt even look in. I wasnt curious. I still to this day have not seen a truly dead body. Like this person, I saw the team stop CPR, but I didnt see the actual moment. I didnt need to. It was their moment. I was busy thinking about the supernatural kindness in and around people that is way too easily lost.

The possibility to be kind to that person dies with them. You could never hold that hand, and you could never make that heart feel warm. That soul was gone. In my opinion someone can never be loved too much