Excuse me while I get really deep

So last weekend, my adventurous mother and I got some dirt to sift through for gold/cool stuff. So we're driving home in my Jeep after we have jumped the curb to back on the road. We park the car and out jumps a little baby grasshopper and it lands in my lap. I have a completely irrational, almost phobic fear of grasshoppers. 

"Acridophobia" is an abnormal fear of grasshoppers and locusts.

Ha! I even have a name for it

So anyways, I do an epic Jess freakout and literally fall out of my Jeep straight onto my knees. I was really hurt, but understood what an awesome slapstick comedy show I had put on for my mother (who was laughing hysterically by the way) So my knees felt like they had been struck by lightening, and continued to for about a week.

It's in a touchy spot though. I cant bend my knee, or hit it on anything or else it's lightening and blood and gives me a POW to the brain. I check it out in the shower and sure enough, albeit tender and still not fully healed, it's getting there.

I will go ahead and walk the talk for mental health. I was diagnosed with PTSD which about gave me a whole new case of it. I dated a dude with PTSD from being in freaking IRAQ during a WAR. Ok, -that- warrants PTSD. The best thing that could happen to anybody, the thing so many couples cant do, fulfilling the epic genetic pining to spawn, my friends, does not warrant PTSD.

But then I cut myself a break. Lets look at the past 2 years (sit here at my pity party)

1. Stroke/migraine thing that no one has told me what it really was and subsequent doctors visits and medications, including 2x daily shots. Also cue crippling fear my body was going to defend itself against this little creature throwing off it's clotting factors and other things like...

2. My gallbladder going bad at 25 weeks and going undiagnosed until 12 weeks postpartum. Eff you too, gallbladder. That's one painful problem to have.

3. Being told by millions of resources that breastfeeding is the best thing you can do for your baby, even above loving them. Not telling you whom, but somebody in this room has a major issues with her breasts being touched, much less nursed upon, because they are so damn sensitive.

No my hooters aren't very happy to see you or sunlight 

5. This one is weird. Being called at 38 weeks pregnant and being asked by some receptionist to schedule when my IUD would be placed when I had discussed no such thing with my doctor. And also, excuse my feminism here, but I was already having issues with a man taking away my fertility and me needing to work on his time table to get it back. I got the dang thing and it tried to escape my uterus. I thought that was pretty ambitious for how enormous my kid was, but more power to that inch long bastard. It's gone now, and I cannot believe the difference.

6. Non-essential organs? Who need those? Buh-bye appendix.

Hey, you don't need this either! 

So basically, Im not really denying the whole trauma thing anymore. It's been kind of a shitstorm. 

It's in a tender spot. Albeit tender and still not fully healed, it's getting there.

I'm finally getting to point where I'm allowing myself to say, "having a kid about killed me and I haven't enjoyed every second of it." It it took about two seconds to abolish my knees caps, and 2 weeks to get them to bend again, who knows how long this will take. 

My first thought was, you dont have time for that! You have a child to raise!

Oh really?

I even wrote it down in his baby book as one of the things I hope to teach him

"To be forgiving and loving towards yourself, so you can be so to others"

Walk the talk, Mama.

Troubles

My little super man is so little. Everything is so new to him. When I try to fathom what it must be like to suddenly gain awareness of one's self, emotions, and negative feelings, I just dont know how he does it.

I get really frustrated with him sometimes. He wants behind the computer. He wants in the trash. He wants my pee-splattered, MRSA infected work shoes. He comes flying into the kitchen when he hears the fridge open. He finds the Q-tips under the counter. He wants the mouse. He wants my Pepsi. 

Getting my point here?

I then think about how freaking appalling it must be to him to be told "no no" or get something taken away. "What do you mean NO?" I often hear in his little protests. "I found that shiny gum wrapper and it's the coolest thing ever and WhyTF is Dad taking it away?"

He bumps his head on the couch. That doesnt hurt. He falls over on the carpet. That doesnt hurt. So why on earth would he be cautious around our tables? Why is that piece of avacado on the floor a bad thing? 

(Just a little crumb-y, lady, geez) 

I never realized how hard it would be to see your little baby get bumps (the bruises and the hurt feelings). 

It's hard to balance his spirit with the realities of the world. Yeah. Crawling is awesome, but sometimes the ground is scattered with little painful rocks and sometimes it's cold.

Sometimes we want things that we cant have and to be honest, sometimes I would like to react like Jack does. Arent we all wanting what we cant have?

I love to let him be little. I like his temper and his spirit. And yes, I will in a few years too.

And he is learning some of life's basic shitty-ness.

and I while I might not always be patient, I will always be understanding because

he is Jack. And he is mine.
and he is imperfect like me.

Magic Mommy Land

This is my Magic Mommy Land. It has lots of cool stuff

This Grandma lives in my house. She looks at my Pinterest and does all the cool stuff Ive pinned. She even makes cookies... with cornstarch.

 Any time anybody hashtags a picture of their kid on facebook, it pulls up this and makes me laugh

This video phone is in my kitchen. And Dr. Noodle calls around 4 every day to discuss my concerns.

I got this for Christmas 

This is my friend Ned. Ned made these headphones for me.

Whenever someone starts talking about their f@#$ing organic onesies, genital mutilation, 

or how their child has never had sugar or watched TV, these headphones start playing

Queen: Greatest Hits.

I give my kid this all the time

typos still happen in Magic Mommy Land

 This little cutie comes and lulls us to sleep every night at a respectable hour. 

And finally, my favorite part about Magic Mommy Land...

Whenever me, Jeff and Jack are in this fort, time stands still and no body else exists. Jack and I cuddle while Dad and all Jack's stuffed animals put on a circus for us. 

You might feel like me

When your kid licks your thumb the entire time you text and you don't even think twice

When you're glad you've been doing baby-led weaning because where the hell did he get that piece of chicken?

When your anti-anxiety meds make you laugh hysterically at the doctor's machine measuring your kid's oxygen levels because it's flashing "No fingers!"

When you look over at your kid who's gnawing on a squishy Wii remote in his sleep because he is a rabid chipmunk.

When you only notice that dried snot all over his face when you run into someone you know

When you park all the way across the parking lot to park next to a cart corral

When you are on your 4th keyboard

When you have $300 worth of toys scattered around your entire house and he wants your work badge

When the locked seat belt's clicking as you release your car seat wakes up your kid after you just spent $3 in gas and an hour in the car

When your birth control isn't supposed to make you gain weight and you are up 15 pounds since you got it.

When you beg people with facial piercings to be really... really... watchful when they hold him.

When your husband wants to put lime green socks on him when he is wearing red and black

When you finally get that booger on a tissue and it falls into his mouth and you both make the same face

When you ask your husband why your son's balls keep disappearing

When your kid thinks Scrat from Ice Age is as funny as you think he do.

When your kid likes Ellie Goulding.

When your kid has an impossible cowlick on top of his head.

When people say that he has your cheeks... when his cheeks look like they have his winter stockpile stuffed in there.

When your kid intently stares at you naked.

When you question if you should get dressed or let them be educated.

When your 2 year premature potty training pin tells you to let them watch you poop.

When you cant watch scary movies because you don't know what he understands.

When you hear your husband humming the Pajanimals theme.