Well it finally happened, after 2 years in the hopsital. It was a code blue and I came onto a scene with about 20 people trying to save a life. I always thought Id be really nervous, but I wasnt. Being one who openly admits to not being very "high speed," I was kinda shocked how calm I was watching several rotations of CPR.
It wasnt as sad as I thought it would be. I know that sounds terrible, but that body was done. That heart was done beating. It absolutely sucked to see the family, but the actual death wasnt as mind-blowing as I thought it would be. I do remember thinking of Jeff and praying that wasnt how either one of us goes.
I never realized how hard a person has to work to do the job of a small, but incredible heart. It was insane. Healthy, full grown men sweating and panting as they tried to keep this soul alive. By no means did I think it was a futile effort, but I couldnt help but consider how easily a person keeps himself alive, and much effort it takes out of a person to try to "run" someone else.
I, sitting there tapping on my belly as I wait there (I was completely useless, but we have to stay in case they need anything blood-wise), I realized that I kind of dont matter much. My thoughts on the whole thing didnt matter. As I got out of the way of the family, I saw what I interpretted as a dread- almost a 'this is it' look on their faces. No one appreciates their family enough- but for a second- I could.
I walked past the room on my way out, and didnt even look in. I wasnt curious. I still to this day have not seen a truly dead body. Like this person, I saw the team stop CPR, but I didnt see the actual moment. I didnt need to. It was their moment. I was busy thinking about the supernatural kindness in and around people that is way too easily lost.
The possibility to be kind to that person dies with them. You could never hold that hand, and you could never make that heart feel warm. That soul was gone. In my opinion someone can never be loved too much
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Friday, December 16, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Someone finally guessed I was pregnant!
So I didnt think I was really showing yet, but I guess little old ladies have a knack for seeing things others are too busy to notice.
She looked at my stomach then at me and said "Are you having a baby?" I laughed and said, "Im not THAT far along yet!" and she laughed too. She told me thats ok. She told me about how she was 9 wks late when her baby kicked her husband's hand. He jumped and she said she was going to the doctor in the morning. How cute!
She looked at my stomach then at me and said "Are you having a baby?" I laughed and said, "Im not THAT far along yet!" and she laughed too. She told me thats ok. She told me about how she was 9 wks late when her baby kicked her husband's hand. He jumped and she said she was going to the doctor in the morning. How cute!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
October. oh the highs and lows.
Oct 19th- we got to see our little squirt. He was perfect with a strong heart beat, measuring just a few days behind my due date.
Oct 20th- we were driving home from St. G. About 1/2 way home (aka 25 minutes from a hospital in either direction), I woke and was trying to tell Jeff that he was awesome because he has been. I was slurring my words and I couldnt say what I wanted to. It was the weirdest feeling. My mouth felt like it was running out of batteries.
I panicked. Absolutely panicked. So Jeff was trying to calm me down, but my arm went numb. I seriously thought I had just lost the use of my right arm.
Long, long story short. They found a small hole in my heart (PFO). Im going to a neurologist to confirn TIA (ministroke) and maybe see if Im still at risk.
So fixing it- we probably dont need to. I havent talked to a cardiologist yet (but I will soon!) but from what Ive read most pfo's are treated with blood thinners. Im on baby aspirin for now, but very soon I will probably be a Heparin or Lovenox shot. (Im sooo making Jeff do it! :) )
Oct 27th- I switched doctors because I am not having this baby in the Cedar City hospital. I love my new OB and they instantly got me in with a High Risk OB doctor. And the most important part! I got to the see the baby again. Im far enough along to use the normal ultrasound! He was moving! I couldnt believe he was moving! Having a ball in there.
Oct 20th- we were driving home from St. G. About 1/2 way home (aka 25 minutes from a hospital in either direction), I woke and was trying to tell Jeff that he was awesome because he has been. I was slurring my words and I couldnt say what I wanted to. It was the weirdest feeling. My mouth felt like it was running out of batteries.
I panicked. Absolutely panicked. So Jeff was trying to calm me down, but my arm went numb. I seriously thought I had just lost the use of my right arm.
Long, long story short. They found a small hole in my heart (PFO). Im going to a neurologist to confirn TIA (ministroke) and maybe see if Im still at risk.
So fixing it- we probably dont need to. I havent talked to a cardiologist yet (but I will soon!) but from what Ive read most pfo's are treated with blood thinners. Im on baby aspirin for now, but very soon I will probably be a Heparin or Lovenox shot. (Im sooo making Jeff do it! :) )
Oct 27th- I switched doctors because I am not having this baby in the Cedar City hospital. I love my new OB and they instantly got me in with a High Risk OB doctor. And the most important part! I got to the see the baby again. Im far enough along to use the normal ultrasound! He was moving! I couldnt believe he was moving! Having a ball in there.
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